Consumed.

In my last post, I put in some quotes from an article about Childless Women and Alcohol. I stated that I would not fall into that category. Well, I guess I can see how that can happen. It would be pretty easy. I say this now, because it is how I feel. I can understand the pain and fustrations that women go through that are experiencing fertility issues.

It's been 2 weeks since the last IUI. It was unsuccessful. My heart melted once again when seeing a negative pregnancy test. The tears formed in my eyes and a knot formed in my stomach. I just wanted to fall on the floor and curl up into a ball and not move for days. Unfortunately, that was something that I could not do and I had to face the day and head to work. That was Monday. I knew that on Tuesday I would be starting my period (if it was going to come), which of course it did. Just to confirm that I was indeed not pregnant. Tuesday night was a hard night for me. The cramps and the heart ache kept me up off and on through out the night and in the early morning. I just wanted to sleep so that I could stop thinking about it.

We were off work yesterday, July 4th. We had mostly house chores and a few errands to do. I tried to keep my spirits up, but the thoughts from my heart always crept back into my mind. Especially when the cramps would come and go as a constant reminder that our attempts again had failed. Sean kept trying to cheer me up, bless his heart. But the day sure was hard. I can see how people get consumed in this, couples keep trying and trying. Many spend hundreds and thousands of dollars trying to conceive. I had thought that the invitro process was crazy because it is so expensive. Now, I can see why people do that. It consumes you. Being that having a child should be something that a women can do, it makes you feel like a failure that you can't do it. I understand why women turn to drinking and depression. It's how I felt yesterday. The only bright side to it is that there is always the next month to try again. And that we will.

We have decided to stop seeing the specialist. It has become pretty pricey, and well, our outcome has not been positive. Gosh, just adding up the visits, plus all of the ovulation and pregnancy test, it comes out to be alot. I also worry about the medication that they give causing other issues. I guess now, I will try to calm down, relax, try to be less stressful, and see what happens.

So the cycle goes on again. Maybe the less stress of not seeing the specialist will help out. I wonder if getting to the point of thinking that it will never happen will actually make it happen???

Here's to July!

Coping

Just read a Yahoo article today from their main page. 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Friend Coping with Infertility.
10 Things You Should Not Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Pregnant yet? If your friend is pregnant, she'll tell you when she's ready. Don't keep asking her how it's going. Let her tell you in her own time.
2. It could be worse. To a couple who wants children, it really can't be worse.
3. Haven't you done enough? It is up to your friend to determine when enough is enough.
4. Focus on the other parts of your life. This is really tough for a woman with infertility problems to do. For some women, her desire for a child becomes her life.
5. Think of all the fun things you can do if you don't have children. If the couple didn't want children, they would not be going to the trouble they are to have them.
6. How much is this costing you? This is none of your business!
7. Are you sure you chose the best doctor? Don't question your friend's medical choice unless she asks your opinion.
8. Just relax. Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one.
9. You can always adopt. The couple already knows this. They are going through the expense and trouble of infertility treatments because that is the path they have chosen. At some point they may consider adoption, but not now.
10. When my friend couldn't get pregnant... Your friend doesn't need to hear what worked for other people. Her efforts to conceive are hers alone.

Exactly!!! I have friends that ask me "Are you pregnant yet?" It makes me cringe. I just sigh, say no, and my heart melts inside. Most times I have to walk away so the tears don't well up.
5. Think of all the fun things?!?!?! I hear this alot! Or, "I'll give you one of mine!" It's our next step in live, something that we absolutely want.  Ugh!

10 Things You Should Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Would you like me to go to your appointment with you? If a partner is not available or your friend is becoming a single mother by choice, having a friend to accompany her to appointments can be welcome support.
2. May I take you out to dinner?
3. How about if we just sit here and you tell me how you feel? If your friend isn't comfortable talking to you, since you haven't experienced infertility, offer to help her find a support group for women who are having similar experiences.
4. No, I don't mind hearing about how hard this is! Remind her that she's always been there for you, and that you will be there for her. That's what friends are for.
5. It is not your fault! It is no one's fault. Sometimes these things just happen.
6. You will make a wonderful mother.
7. You look so beautiful! (This is particularly important since many women begin to loathe their bodies during infertility treatment, viewing it as dysfunctional or inadequate. Some women gain weight from the treatments.)
8. I want you to come to my baby shower but I totally understand if it's too much for you. While some women find it too painful to be around young children and pregnant women, others are hurt if they're left out.
9. I'd like to come over tomorrow and clean the house and make you dinner. Infertility treatments can be exhausting, physically and emotionally. Your friend will appreciate the help.
10. I think you are amazing. I admire your commitment.

"First off, please take me dinner, I would love to eat some good food in this awlful state. Oh and come over and clean for me too! That would be great!" But really, just don't make a big deal of it. I know I will make a wonderful mother, I have my husband and a couple of close to talk to about it, and I know I am beautiful and amazing."

The funny thing is that I found this article as link in another Yahoo news story that talks about Alcohol and Childless Women.

Women Who Suffer from Infertility More Likely to Become Alcoholics, Study Says. So of course, I had to read this to see what the study perdicts for me.

"Our study showed that women who remained childless after fertility evaluation had an 18 percent higher risk of all mental disorders than the women who did have at least one baby," Baldur-Felskov said. "These higher risks were evident in alcohol and substance abuse, schizophrenia and eating disorders, although appeared lower in affective disorders including depression."

I won't fall into this category!!!!