Pt 2... not going to happen

To be continued... I guess not. Part 2 of my cycle with the doctor and IUI did not happen. I really don't know how it came to be like this.

Here are my thoughts:

Last week when I had the HSG test done, it was quite painful. Having that pain and cramping kinda 'ruined' the whole experience. The test was done on day 12 of the cycle. The ovulation cycle is around day 12 to 16. Having the test done on day 12 made me not want to have intercourse on days 12 and 13. Which elimates two days out of our window. Also on these two days, I did not take ovulation tests in the mornings. Not sure what was going on in my head, it just slipped my mind. So I started taking the tests and they all came back with a slight positive line, with no real distinct dark expressive line. So, I just let it go. We did have intercourse a few time during this cycle (like always), but I had planned on going back to the doc for an IUI. So... we shall see what happens.

I guess now I sort of understand about taking a break. I can see how I was so obsessed with it, and now I can let it go some. It's very strange that I feel a bit more relaxed about this and not so overwhelmed.

On a side note, we took the first steps yesterday by mailing out our first adoption application to the state foster/adoption service. There is an orientation on November 15th that I will attend. Apparently, they start training classes soon that we may be eligible to attend. It should be interesting, exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. I do not know much about the adoption process in regards to the state program. I am hoping that we can be 'picky' and select a newborn to age 2 or 3. I know that it may be a long wait with many ups and downs. It may be something that won't even happen at all. It would be amazing to adopt a young child and then also have one of my own. Oh life....

Doc Visit - - - - Pt. 1

Yesterday I went to the doctors to have a test done called a Hysterosalpinogram (HSG for short). This was an office procedure, not the typical x-ray type version. HSG is an infertility test that shows whether both fallopian tubes are open and whether the shape of the uterine cavity is normal. Taking this test was something that was mentioned when I went to talk with the doc about our next steps. So, it was done yesterday and everything came back normal. It was quite the painful procedure, but it was interesting that they could push fluid through my tubes using an internal ultrasound and their office equipment. I could see on the monitor the fluids going through, which means that everything is normal. They look for blockage or cysts. This test also 'clears' anything out. This cycle we will also be doing another IUI in hopes that this HSG test has actually helped out.  I have read on many forums that alot of women get pregnant right after doing this. We won't be able to 'try' next month due to Sean being out of town for work. I guess if this try does not work, the next month will be a forced break on us. I think that we need a small break, but it's hard to not to keep trying. As much as you want something, it's hard not to keep trying.

So now this week we call "do it" week. I hope that all goes well!  I definately will try to 'spice' it up a little in hopes that it doesn't seem like a process to us. I want to have fun, but most importantly, I want a baby.

Next week, Part 2 will be published.

Breakdown.....

So of course, Saturday morning comes around and I just can't get the pain to leave my heart. Tears welled in my eyes and I just could not contain myself. Sometimes you just need a good cry. And then I can continue on with my life. But just letting it all out is a good feeling. Holding it all in does not seem to help. Like a bottle, it's bubbling on the inside and just needs some release, or it will explode.

With my Saturday morning breakdown, my husband was there. And of course, I do have a hard time talking about this, well mostly because there is not that much to say about it. It's fusturating and confusing, hurts your heart, and leaves you speechless. He was upset with me for keeping things to myself when I should be sharing. His solution to this was to 'stop trying for awhile and not to be so obsessed with it.' I practically blew a fuse! Over the last month I have become less obsessed with it in many ways. I did not take any ovulation tests last month (I plan to take them this month though), I didn't pursue having intercouse every day of that cycle (only everyother day), and with all the other stuff I have been doing, I'd say that I am not obsessed with it as much. And yes, everyone says that someday it will happen, it's just not the right time... blah blah blah.... If that is the case, I hope that I can now age backwards... I am not getting any younger.

Another part of my breakdown had to do with looking into adoption. That was an overwhelming experience. Just looking online at different sites, what a whirlwind. I feel like I would be admitting defeat in having my own child. But I would love two children, and I would keep trying to conceive. That would be a blessing. So it was difficult to see 'where to start' this process. And then seeing the price tag on that, blew me away as well. I requested some information, and found a local place that works with the state on foster care and adoptions. They have an orientations every couple of weeks. We may make it to one of them.

So yes, it is stressful, which probably does not help with the situation. I feel bad keeping things to myself, but it is either that way or break down in tears. Today I started my first day of taking clomid again. 5 days of that and then an insemination a few days after that. And the cycle starts again. I feel like I am stuck and nothing is moving forward in my life. I feel like there are times I am so shut down and my mind and heart are consumed and that this is MY problem for ME to deal with. I keep thinking "this is something that a woman is supposed to be able to do, and I can't!"