Breakdown.....

So of course, Saturday morning comes around and I just can't get the pain to leave my heart. Tears welled in my eyes and I just could not contain myself. Sometimes you just need a good cry. And then I can continue on with my life. But just letting it all out is a good feeling. Holding it all in does not seem to help. Like a bottle, it's bubbling on the inside and just needs some release, or it will explode.

With my Saturday morning breakdown, my husband was there. And of course, I do have a hard time talking about this, well mostly because there is not that much to say about it. It's fusturating and confusing, hurts your heart, and leaves you speechless. He was upset with me for keeping things to myself when I should be sharing. His solution to this was to 'stop trying for awhile and not to be so obsessed with it.' I practically blew a fuse! Over the last month I have become less obsessed with it in many ways. I did not take any ovulation tests last month (I plan to take them this month though), I didn't pursue having intercouse every day of that cycle (only everyother day), and with all the other stuff I have been doing, I'd say that I am not obsessed with it as much. And yes, everyone says that someday it will happen, it's just not the right time... blah blah blah.... If that is the case, I hope that I can now age backwards... I am not getting any younger.

Another part of my breakdown had to do with looking into adoption. That was an overwhelming experience. Just looking online at different sites, what a whirlwind. I feel like I would be admitting defeat in having my own child. But I would love two children, and I would keep trying to conceive. That would be a blessing. So it was difficult to see 'where to start' this process. And then seeing the price tag on that, blew me away as well. I requested some information, and found a local place that works with the state on foster care and adoptions. They have an orientations every couple of weeks. We may make it to one of them.

So yes, it is stressful, which probably does not help with the situation. I feel bad keeping things to myself, but it is either that way or break down in tears. Today I started my first day of taking clomid again. 5 days of that and then an insemination a few days after that. And the cycle starts again. I feel like I am stuck and nothing is moving forward in my life. I feel like there are times I am so shut down and my mind and heart are consumed and that this is MY problem for ME to deal with. I keep thinking "this is something that a woman is supposed to be able to do, and I can't!"