Consumed.

In my last post, I put in some quotes from an article about Childless Women and Alcohol. I stated that I would not fall into that category. Well, I guess I can see how that can happen. It would be pretty easy. I say this now, because it is how I feel. I can understand the pain and fustrations that women go through that are experiencing fertility issues.

It's been 2 weeks since the last IUI. It was unsuccessful. My heart melted once again when seeing a negative pregnancy test. The tears formed in my eyes and a knot formed in my stomach. I just wanted to fall on the floor and curl up into a ball and not move for days. Unfortunately, that was something that I could not do and I had to face the day and head to work. That was Monday. I knew that on Tuesday I would be starting my period (if it was going to come), which of course it did. Just to confirm that I was indeed not pregnant. Tuesday night was a hard night for me. The cramps and the heart ache kept me up off and on through out the night and in the early morning. I just wanted to sleep so that I could stop thinking about it.

We were off work yesterday, July 4th. We had mostly house chores and a few errands to do. I tried to keep my spirits up, but the thoughts from my heart always crept back into my mind. Especially when the cramps would come and go as a constant reminder that our attempts again had failed. Sean kept trying to cheer me up, bless his heart. But the day sure was hard. I can see how people get consumed in this, couples keep trying and trying. Many spend hundreds and thousands of dollars trying to conceive. I had thought that the invitro process was crazy because it is so expensive. Now, I can see why people do that. It consumes you. Being that having a child should be something that a women can do, it makes you feel like a failure that you can't do it. I understand why women turn to drinking and depression. It's how I felt yesterday. The only bright side to it is that there is always the next month to try again. And that we will.

We have decided to stop seeing the specialist. It has become pretty pricey, and well, our outcome has not been positive. Gosh, just adding up the visits, plus all of the ovulation and pregnancy test, it comes out to be alot. I also worry about the medication that they give causing other issues. I guess now, I will try to calm down, relax, try to be less stressful, and see what happens.

So the cycle goes on again. Maybe the less stress of not seeing the specialist will help out. I wonder if getting to the point of thinking that it will never happen will actually make it happen???

Here's to July!