My dogs...

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown

I just wanted to take a couple minutes and put up a post about my best buds, my furry kids, my snuggler, my snot, my homeland security defender, my ball chasers, my bed warmer, my forager, my little attack dog, my obedient office mate, my security blanket, my playful beasts... I could go on and on about how I feel about these 3 loves. But I just wanted to post some photos that I have taken over the weekend and a few from a couple months ago. I love taking photos of them. Most are done with my iPhone. I am wanting to learn more about our Nikon 5100, but haven't had the motivation (or time) to do so. But here they are. Enjoy!



Spike - December 2012



Sasha - December 2012



Risky - December 2012



3 Loves - Fall 2012

December

And now it's December...

We took a little time off from the planning, obsessing, and worrying. Sean was in New Jersey for a TDY for a month, so that helped a little with the break. I went to a State Foster/Adoption Orientation in my county, in hopes to possibly adopt. I received the class schedule and am still thinking about whether to sign up for the January classes or not. With being in the military, it is hard to say what our next year will bring. Our 4 years will be up here in June. But with the way the government is, it's all up in the air.

We decided this month to try to do an IUI at the infertility center. I started back on clomid earlier this month and now we are in that time frame where I am waiting for my morning sticks to show that I am about to ovulate. It's so hard to find the window, hard to trust the test, hard to wait. I just want it to happen and for the tests to be accurate, and the IUI to actually work this time.

Here is a pic of the app that I use on my phone to keep track of everything and to realize what certain days are. As you can see, if the IUI or us trying to conceive on our own could make for a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! That would be the ultimate Christmas gift for us. And if it doesn't happen, well, we will keep trying. I don't plan on giving up.

With the New Year approaching, I have thought more about sharing what we have been going through with close family and friends. We are still considering adopting as well, but that is way out of our price range. The foster/adoption through the state may work, but they informed me that they most likely have older children to adopt. I would like to continue doing the inseminations, but the extra $500+ a month tends to be hard to come by. I do know of a site called www.gofundme.com where people can place their story on there and hope for people to donate a few dollars. By doing this, I would be broadcasting our story, which is something that is hard for me to do and to be comfortable with. We shall see what the New Year brings.

Pt 2... not going to happen

To be continued... I guess not. Part 2 of my cycle with the doctor and IUI did not happen. I really don't know how it came to be like this.

Here are my thoughts:

Last week when I had the HSG test done, it was quite painful. Having that pain and cramping kinda 'ruined' the whole experience. The test was done on day 12 of the cycle. The ovulation cycle is around day 12 to 16. Having the test done on day 12 made me not want to have intercourse on days 12 and 13. Which elimates two days out of our window. Also on these two days, I did not take ovulation tests in the mornings. Not sure what was going on in my head, it just slipped my mind. So I started taking the tests and they all came back with a slight positive line, with no real distinct dark expressive line. So, I just let it go. We did have intercourse a few time during this cycle (like always), but I had planned on going back to the doc for an IUI. So... we shall see what happens.

I guess now I sort of understand about taking a break. I can see how I was so obsessed with it, and now I can let it go some. It's very strange that I feel a bit more relaxed about this and not so overwhelmed.

On a side note, we took the first steps yesterday by mailing out our first adoption application to the state foster/adoption service. There is an orientation on November 15th that I will attend. Apparently, they start training classes soon that we may be eligible to attend. It should be interesting, exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. I do not know much about the adoption process in regards to the state program. I am hoping that we can be 'picky' and select a newborn to age 2 or 3. I know that it may be a long wait with many ups and downs. It may be something that won't even happen at all. It would be amazing to adopt a young child and then also have one of my own. Oh life....

Doc Visit - - - - Pt. 1

Yesterday I went to the doctors to have a test done called a Hysterosalpinogram (HSG for short). This was an office procedure, not the typical x-ray type version. HSG is an infertility test that shows whether both fallopian tubes are open and whether the shape of the uterine cavity is normal. Taking this test was something that was mentioned when I went to talk with the doc about our next steps. So, it was done yesterday and everything came back normal. It was quite the painful procedure, but it was interesting that they could push fluid through my tubes using an internal ultrasound and their office equipment. I could see on the monitor the fluids going through, which means that everything is normal. They look for blockage or cysts. This test also 'clears' anything out. This cycle we will also be doing another IUI in hopes that this HSG test has actually helped out.  I have read on many forums that alot of women get pregnant right after doing this. We won't be able to 'try' next month due to Sean being out of town for work. I guess if this try does not work, the next month will be a forced break on us. I think that we need a small break, but it's hard to not to keep trying. As much as you want something, it's hard not to keep trying.

So now this week we call "do it" week. I hope that all goes well!  I definately will try to 'spice' it up a little in hopes that it doesn't seem like a process to us. I want to have fun, but most importantly, I want a baby.

Next week, Part 2 will be published.

Breakdown.....

So of course, Saturday morning comes around and I just can't get the pain to leave my heart. Tears welled in my eyes and I just could not contain myself. Sometimes you just need a good cry. And then I can continue on with my life. But just letting it all out is a good feeling. Holding it all in does not seem to help. Like a bottle, it's bubbling on the inside and just needs some release, or it will explode.

With my Saturday morning breakdown, my husband was there. And of course, I do have a hard time talking about this, well mostly because there is not that much to say about it. It's fusturating and confusing, hurts your heart, and leaves you speechless. He was upset with me for keeping things to myself when I should be sharing. His solution to this was to 'stop trying for awhile and not to be so obsessed with it.' I practically blew a fuse! Over the last month I have become less obsessed with it in many ways. I did not take any ovulation tests last month (I plan to take them this month though), I didn't pursue having intercouse every day of that cycle (only everyother day), and with all the other stuff I have been doing, I'd say that I am not obsessed with it as much. And yes, everyone says that someday it will happen, it's just not the right time... blah blah blah.... If that is the case, I hope that I can now age backwards... I am not getting any younger.

Another part of my breakdown had to do with looking into adoption. That was an overwhelming experience. Just looking online at different sites, what a whirlwind. I feel like I would be admitting defeat in having my own child. But I would love two children, and I would keep trying to conceive. That would be a blessing. So it was difficult to see 'where to start' this process. And then seeing the price tag on that, blew me away as well. I requested some information, and found a local place that works with the state on foster care and adoptions. They have an orientations every couple of weeks. We may make it to one of them.

So yes, it is stressful, which probably does not help with the situation. I feel bad keeping things to myself, but it is either that way or break down in tears. Today I started my first day of taking clomid again. 5 days of that and then an insemination a few days after that. And the cycle starts again. I feel like I am stuck and nothing is moving forward in my life. I feel like there are times I am so shut down and my mind and heart are consumed and that this is MY problem for ME to deal with. I keep thinking "this is something that a woman is supposed to be able to do, and I can't!"

No News Is Not Always Good News...

I had thought that the next time I actually logged on here to write something that I would be coming with good, exciting news. Well, no news is not always good news.

We have decided to just try on our own these last few months, of course, with no luck. I get so excited when it's that 'time' that we are trying and then when the time to take a test or that dreadful 'Aunt Flow' shows up... I am crushed. Once again, I want to just go curl up in a ball and hide. These past few months I have either taken a pregnancy test or just let nature do her thing and I just cry. It's very upsetting. It's something that I feel I can't talk about because there are no answers, no one can help me, and nothing can make it better.

Last week we went back to the infertility clinic to meet with our doctor to talk more about our options. We had been looking into IVF and was not sure about the process or price. Our doctor referred us to doing more inseminations if we can. IVF is out of our league pricewise; ($15,000) its like spending your life savings on a gamble, that if you win you will need your life savings to help provide for, but if you lose, you lose... no refunds, no more chances. I only read a small portion of the information given to me about the process, but I am not sure I like the idea of 'tricking' my body to get in the state to conceive. It's a very medical process, pricewise and timewise.  We are considering doing more inseminations, but now it's a timing thing and it's not cheap either. There are alot of events taking place over the next few months that will put a strain on the checking account, so diping into our savings would be the only avenue to take. With these events taking place, timing everything may not be on our side. It's like more and more things are getting in the way of this dream.

I've read articles that people say "stop trying and it will happen." I really don't understand this at all. To me, it's like telling someone "Stop playing the lottery and you will win!" Makes no sense to me at all. I don't get it. I have even started to distract myself from all of this by doing more in my life. Exercising has become more important and I even started a community dog walk/Woof Pack group that meets on Thursday evenings.  I also started back into dog training with a client that lives near me. Pinterest has helped as well; I have some crafts that have kept me busy. Oh, and I also started reading more. I saw on Pinterest a pink onesie that said "I'm a Fifty Shades of Gray Baby" and decided to read the book. (hey its worth the try) Well apparently, that did not work either. (And I am almost done with the 3rd book)

So now I have to deal with my emotions, deal with my tears, deal with seeing babies at work, deal with people that curiously ask how this is all going, deal with the timing and money factor of doing more inseminations, deal with the effects of the clomid medication... deal... deal... deal....

Consumed.

In my last post, I put in some quotes from an article about Childless Women and Alcohol. I stated that I would not fall into that category. Well, I guess I can see how that can happen. It would be pretty easy. I say this now, because it is how I feel. I can understand the pain and fustrations that women go through that are experiencing fertility issues.

It's been 2 weeks since the last IUI. It was unsuccessful. My heart melted once again when seeing a negative pregnancy test. The tears formed in my eyes and a knot formed in my stomach. I just wanted to fall on the floor and curl up into a ball and not move for days. Unfortunately, that was something that I could not do and I had to face the day and head to work. That was Monday. I knew that on Tuesday I would be starting my period (if it was going to come), which of course it did. Just to confirm that I was indeed not pregnant. Tuesday night was a hard night for me. The cramps and the heart ache kept me up off and on through out the night and in the early morning. I just wanted to sleep so that I could stop thinking about it.

We were off work yesterday, July 4th. We had mostly house chores and a few errands to do. I tried to keep my spirits up, but the thoughts from my heart always crept back into my mind. Especially when the cramps would come and go as a constant reminder that our attempts again had failed. Sean kept trying to cheer me up, bless his heart. But the day sure was hard. I can see how people get consumed in this, couples keep trying and trying. Many spend hundreds and thousands of dollars trying to conceive. I had thought that the invitro process was crazy because it is so expensive. Now, I can see why people do that. It consumes you. Being that having a child should be something that a women can do, it makes you feel like a failure that you can't do it. I understand why women turn to drinking and depression. It's how I felt yesterday. The only bright side to it is that there is always the next month to try again. And that we will.

We have decided to stop seeing the specialist. It has become pretty pricey, and well, our outcome has not been positive. Gosh, just adding up the visits, plus all of the ovulation and pregnancy test, it comes out to be alot. I also worry about the medication that they give causing other issues. I guess now, I will try to calm down, relax, try to be less stressful, and see what happens.

So the cycle goes on again. Maybe the less stress of not seeing the specialist will help out. I wonder if getting to the point of thinking that it will never happen will actually make it happen???

Here's to July!

Coping

Just read a Yahoo article today from their main page. 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Friend Coping with Infertility.
10 Things You Should Not Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Pregnant yet? If your friend is pregnant, she'll tell you when she's ready. Don't keep asking her how it's going. Let her tell you in her own time.
2. It could be worse. To a couple who wants children, it really can't be worse.
3. Haven't you done enough? It is up to your friend to determine when enough is enough.
4. Focus on the other parts of your life. This is really tough for a woman with infertility problems to do. For some women, her desire for a child becomes her life.
5. Think of all the fun things you can do if you don't have children. If the couple didn't want children, they would not be going to the trouble they are to have them.
6. How much is this costing you? This is none of your business!
7. Are you sure you chose the best doctor? Don't question your friend's medical choice unless she asks your opinion.
8. Just relax. Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one.
9. You can always adopt. The couple already knows this. They are going through the expense and trouble of infertility treatments because that is the path they have chosen. At some point they may consider adoption, but not now.
10. When my friend couldn't get pregnant... Your friend doesn't need to hear what worked for other people. Her efforts to conceive are hers alone.

Exactly!!! I have friends that ask me "Are you pregnant yet?" It makes me cringe. I just sigh, say no, and my heart melts inside. Most times I have to walk away so the tears don't well up.
5. Think of all the fun things?!?!?! I hear this alot! Or, "I'll give you one of mine!" It's our next step in live, something that we absolutely want.  Ugh!

10 Things You Should Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Would you like me to go to your appointment with you? If a partner is not available or your friend is becoming a single mother by choice, having a friend to accompany her to appointments can be welcome support.
2. May I take you out to dinner?
3. How about if we just sit here and you tell me how you feel? If your friend isn't comfortable talking to you, since you haven't experienced infertility, offer to help her find a support group for women who are having similar experiences.
4. No, I don't mind hearing about how hard this is! Remind her that she's always been there for you, and that you will be there for her. That's what friends are for.
5. It is not your fault! It is no one's fault. Sometimes these things just happen.
6. You will make a wonderful mother.
7. You look so beautiful! (This is particularly important since many women begin to loathe their bodies during infertility treatment, viewing it as dysfunctional or inadequate. Some women gain weight from the treatments.)
8. I want you to come to my baby shower but I totally understand if it's too much for you. While some women find it too painful to be around young children and pregnant women, others are hurt if they're left out.
9. I'd like to come over tomorrow and clean the house and make you dinner. Infertility treatments can be exhausting, physically and emotionally. Your friend will appreciate the help.
10. I think you are amazing. I admire your commitment.

"First off, please take me dinner, I would love to eat some good food in this awlful state. Oh and come over and clean for me too! That would be great!" But really, just don't make a big deal of it. I know I will make a wonderful mother, I have my husband and a couple of close to talk to about it, and I know I am beautiful and amazing."

The funny thing is that I found this article as link in another Yahoo news story that talks about Alcohol and Childless Women.

Women Who Suffer from Infertility More Likely to Become Alcoholics, Study Says. So of course, I had to read this to see what the study perdicts for me.

"Our study showed that women who remained childless after fertility evaluation had an 18 percent higher risk of all mental disorders than the women who did have at least one baby," Baldur-Felskov said. "These higher risks were evident in alcohol and substance abuse, schizophrenia and eating disorders, although appeared lower in affective disorders including depression."

I won't fall into this category!!!!

Again... and again

Since the first unsuccessful IUI, I have undergone 2 more. I have been on the drug clomid for about 4 months now. I had to go in for a couple of ultrasounds over the past couple months to check on a few things. The first one, I had missed the ovulation surge. I had to go in and have an ultrasound completed and also bloodwork, just to make sure that I did ovulate. Of course I did and just missed the IUI window. While they were completing the ultrasound they thought that one of my ovaries looked weird. The ultrasound screen to me, looked like little bubbles on my my ovary. The nurse informed me (once again) that one of the side effects of taking clomid would be ovarian cysts, which could lead to ovarian cancer. She wanted me to come back in if, and when, I started my period just to check to see if indeed it was a cyst.

Over the next week, my body did some changes and I felt like maybe we did conceive. I was highly anticipating the two week mark to take a home pregnancy test. Unfortunatly, before I reached the two week mark heavy bleeding and cramping started. Was I having a miscarriage this early? I kept thinking that this was the same feeling I had before when I miscarried. Of course it happened on a Friday evening. The next day, I felt better; cramps had gone away. The major bleeding and clotting stopped. I was sad. Once again defeated. Wondering why my body would not let me conceive.

My next period was about two weeks late. I called the center to schedule the cyst check and everything came back normal. I informed the nurse of my monthly experience and she said that there was no telling what that was. It could have been a miscarriage, or it could have been my body expelling a possible cyst from my ovary. I seemed a bit relieved knowing that it could have just been that. But still a bit uneasy. I was relieved that the ultrasound did not show any cysts and the nurse said that we were ok to continue to try.

A few days ago on June 18th, we went in for another IUI. They start out with an ultrasound to see if I have ovulated. By the looks of the ovulation tests that I took over the weekend, it happened on Sunday. Nurse Holly was doing the procedure that day. She explained everything on the ultrasound to me really clear. She could tell that my right ovary has already release two eggs and that there was one more that was about to rupture. The left one was hidden and she couldn't tell what, if anything, had happened or would happen. My hopes were really high! After that, Sean went in to give his sample (which I always have to laugh because it is definately a different scenario). After a couple hours of waiting, the sample was ready and I was ready for the IUI. We went back to a quiet little room and the procedure began. This time it seemed a bit longer and a bit more uncomfortable. I would take all the uncomfortableness in the world in order to conceive. Apparently, my cervix is tilted and it's quite difficult to get the sample through the canal. After a bit of pain, the procedure was done. This time was a bit different. I could actually feel slight cramping once the sample was in the right place. Something that I had not felt before. Nurse Holly informed us to have intercourse that evening and the next day. The more sperm the better! Which of course, we have no problem with doing that!

And now we are waiting... The countdown is on for two weeks to take a pregnancy test. Our hopes are really high! Eating healthy is high on my list along with my morning exercise. I don't know if I will be able to wait until July 2nd to take a test. A test may happen a few days early because our hopes are high!

Wish us luck!

My favorite picture of Risky and I.

Two Thousand Twelve

At the start of the year we decided that after a few months of trying again that we would see what Tricare insurance covered in terms of infertility assistance. We made an appointment at the Center of Reproductive Medicine and in February we met with Dr. Thompson at the center. He was very informative and very easy to talk to . At our first appointment Sean has a semen analysis and all came back normal. I went in for blood work and the only issue that came up was a mutant gene which requires me to take a high dosage of folic acid each day. They also did a procedure with a scope to ensure that all my internal parts were in tact and operational. Which all turned out ok. Other than that, we were good to go. All signs pointed to great health and no issues to conceive. Tricare covered all of the testing for me and for Sean, it also covered the ultrasounds and blood work. The next steps would be more expensive and we would have to pay out of pocket for any procedures.

The first steps that the doctor mentioned to help us along would be taking a drug called clomid. Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant (infertility). Clomiphene is in a class of medications called ovulatory stimulants. It works similarly to estrogen, a female hormone that causes eggs to develop in the ovaries and be released. Apparently, I can produce eggs, but since I am over 30, this drug help produce more follicles to attract/catch the sperm. But there are some side effects of this drug. One of the more annoying side effects to comprehend is that Clomid can decrease the quality of your cervical mucus (which sperm need to make their way to the egg), making conception more difficult. Clomid can also make the lining of your uterus thinner and less ideal for implantation. Along with using Clomid, we decided to jump right in and start the insemination process called IUI. IUI is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.The procedure occurs once ovulation has started, or a surge has taken place. To find this out, I started taking ovulation tests to find the close date. We had did our first insemination on March 6th. The process was quite painless, but just a bit uncomfortable. The doctor and nurse said to wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test. Talk about anticipation! I could not wait! Around the tenth day of the two weeks, I decided to take a test. When the extra line did not show up I felt defeated. Saddened. I was so hoping that this procedure would work. But I knew it wasn't the end of the world and that we can always try again. The days dragged on, my period came, and then the whole process started all over again.

Things did not go as planned

So it's been quite awhile since I have even logged on to blogspot. A lot has happened in the past year and a half. My first and last post was very uplifting! But things did not go as planned. We had a couple doctors appointments and all seemed ok, until the first ultrasound. At the time I thought I was eight weeks pregnant, the ultrasound showed I was only six weeks pregnant and I was carrying TWINS! Talk about excitement, I could not believe it. The ultrasound did not show any heartbeats and i was asked to come back in 10 days. This was in December and mid month Sean was being deployed to Iraq. So much going on in my mind and body, what a whirlwind! My saddened body must not have thought it was time to grow a couple of beautiful babies and I had a miscarriage the night that Sean left for his deployment. Talk about timing. I felt so alone and so sad. The doctors said that these things just happen and it wasn't anything unordinary and that we should keep trying. It was quite difficult and impossible to try with your husband in another world fighting someone else's battle. The six months he was deployed went by pretty fast. My knight in shining armor came home safe and sound. After a few months of getting back and settled in, we decided to start trying again to conceive. Well, again, this did not go as planned. Now we are on another journey. Journey of infertility. Since the beginning of the year we have been seeing a specialist. Sometimes I feel that it is a struggle, it's hard to not to be able to do something that a woman should be able to do. Sometimes I feel that it is a journey because everything happens for a reason. There's a reason it hasn't happened yet. I believe it will. But just not yet.